Lesbian tendencies better known as pansexuality

Pansexuality: a term used to refer to people who do not discriminate against gender in regards to romantic preference.
I feel like I fall into that category as much as I hate labels and categories it provides some sort of definition.

As a christian, it presents an array of issues, but I feel so good when I’m with her, it’s not sexual but we cuddle and kiss and I love being in her arms. She such a sweet person. WE have an open intimate emotional relationship which is what I’ve always wanted, no real restrictions because ultimately we do want to be with a man. We’re both really confused and vulnerable at the moment but it feels nice to have someone there on my side with no strings attached, no expectations.

I like people for who they are despite their gender, I always have. I become a lot more sexual with men though. But I get emotionally involved with both. Again, my boundaries are unclear, it becomes hard when I try to be ‘right’ and proper, but then if I go the total opposite I leave myself open to getting hurt. I could be a sexual prude or a porn star. I fee like there is no in between. I can’t go to church and still be having sex even if it is with one person or I can’t go to church and be intimate and close with my gf.

Conflicted

Feeling unvalidated and

I had a massive fight with my mother and my sister today. They are both heavily christian and are active in their faith. I believe in God and christian principles but I do struggle with a lot of things like sex and my sexual orientation.

The fight we had was because my mother still believes that she set wonderful boundaries for me as a child when she did not in fact do so. My father was sexually abusing me from the age of 4. She was unaware of it and never addressed any of my boundary issues with other people as a young child. To add to it, I have recently found out that they have gotten back together. Noone bothered to tell me, I only found out by going to her house and seeing that he had moved back in. I understand that he gies her money and she needs it to survive. Makes me ever so determined to never rely on a man for finance ever again. I feel like everyone thinks its important for him to be forgiven and expected that I not be hurt by it anymore. It still hurts, I have forgiven him but I DO NOT trust him in any way, especially around my daughters.

The fight with my sister was because I felt that she was judging me for various things, because she is strong within her faith and I am not. She disagrees with many things that other churches say and even my church about what they think I would benefit from. Makes me want to not follow anyones crap and just talk to God myself and use my own discernment even thought its not that great to begin with.

I feel so unvalidated and alone all over again..

Forced to use your body…

Yesterday my car battery went flat.  I had to pick up my eldest from school in an hour.  I had no money because I’ve been out of work for the past month.  I was stuck.  I called the children’s father in an attempt to see if he would help because the car is predominantly used for them.  He came.  With a price. He agreed to get a new battery…..If I would give him something in return.  I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I needed to pick up my daughter as we have custody issues and upcoming court and couldnt afford to be seen as the lesser parent. 

He relished at the thought of me being helpless and being able to use me.  He had his hands around my neck and I could feel his frustration and hate for me then  he roughly shoved his fingers inside..After a few minutes my youngest daughter made an appearance and he backed away.  He got my new battery and left.

 

I feel disgusting.  I hate my life and what it’s become.  I’m trying so hard to manage uni, care of the kids and keeping a job..the job I had required long hours which I couldn’t do because I have to pick my daughter and drop her off to school, to pay for childcare would defeat the purpose of trying to have more money..  I am really despising this world of men..

The drugs and sex are back to cope with the loneliness

The loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is the driving force which causes me to do anything I can to escape it. When my children are away I’m having sex with multiple partners in one weekend, I’m taking drugs and I’m ecstatic and enjoying myself till I’m left alone in my house, completely alone. Noone sticks around, no matter how hard I try to please them and play the role they want me to.

My body is sore and bruised from the different men playing with it. I have bite marks and sore muscles from being contorted at their will. Being flexible doesn’t mean that it wont hurt at times. I’m a doll in their hands. It’s so draining but I just want them to hold me and hug me, I want to be in someone’s arms and this seems to be the only way to get it.

My body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me when I’m doing the act. I feel like I’m sometimes watching myself. I basically let them do whatever they like to please them, to make them like me, to stay with me. Noone has so far so I guess it’s not really working. But the moments of company and hugs I do get seem to get me through till the next weekend where I lose control all over again.

The emptiness is painful, I feel like the three options that can make it subside momentarily are self harm (cutting), sex or drugs, the latter are done in the company of others.
I know it sounds stupid and weak but I want someone to rescue me, to keep me safe and love me. I hate this feeling. I hate my body being used but these are what i do to cope, please do not judge me, if I could stop it I really would! I feel like I have no control..

My Ideal man: the constant search for mr Right

My hearts desires, I’ve always been so scared to completely submit, to put my trust in God to place someone who would be completely compatible with me. But it just makes sense that if He knows my hearts desires he has someone for me that’s that and more right?
A man of god
with a great body
with tattoos
someone who likes the same music as I do
someone who can be gentle with me
someone patient
someone understanding of my condition who never condemns me for it
someone who wants to spoil me
someone who respects me as a woman and a human being
someone who can still be wild and adventurous in bed
a family man
someone who knows what a hard life is and has risen out of it
someone who loves my kids as if they were his own
someone who loves to talk to me for hours
who thinks I’m beautiful first thing in the morning
who treasures every part of my body and soul
who loves the dark depths of my mind
a best friend
someone who truly loves me
to share my bed with body and soul
a hardworker
neat and tidy
likes to go out with me
is completely loyal
and honest
someone who will not want to sleep with me till we are deeply in love or even married

It seems so far fetched, but what do I have to lose right now? I am so low and alone and yes I can admit that I am constantly searching for Mr Right and falling deeper into my empty hole

The biggest problem and source of fun is sex

I have come to the conclusion that there is a problem with sex. Not so much that I have this problem because I refuse to believe that it is my fault. Everytime I hit it off with a seemingly great guy, we end up either sleeping together or doing something of the sort and then things go south and I’m left feeling horrible. The whole business of holding out is ideal but what about what I really want to do as well. I want both, I want the sex and I want the love, but so far it’s leading me nowhere and making me feel so empty inside it hurts.
And not just sex, it’s the type of sex, it’s rough and playful, but then sometimes the power trip men go on make me feel horrible as well. I’m so amazingly confused. I’m starting to feel like my only option is to turn to GOD now, somehow He must have someone for me that’s compatible and wont make me feel so horrible. That option obviously means holding out sexually in every sense, which is something I am not used at all. Sex is all I’ve known ever since I was a child in terms of affection. To change my complete being seems so hard Feeling so very lost and alone and confused

My life feels unpaused :/

At the moment I feel like I am back to when I was eighteen again! Fast cars, cute boys, late nights, drugs, alcohol, parties. Feels like my life was on pause the whole time I was married and the only progression I made were my two beautiful children. With whom I never do any of the above when they are in my care and presence.
Life just feels exciting again! Probably not the most productive and could possibly be deemed as destructive. But taking a few steps back to review whats happening, I feel like I can separate my weekday life to my weekend life.
My husband is hurrying the divorce along and I just broke the news to my eldest that we are definitely getting divorced and not getting back together. The look on her face broke me. She was so sad and just held me so tightly for a few minutes.
I figure I am the best i can be at the moment. I am excited by the slightly deviant things in my weekend time without the girls. But I know the difference is if I did have them with me during that time I would not be doing those things. Same predicament as when I was 18, I just wanted something more and to fill the void I enjoyed destructive behaviour. Will things change? I don’t know, I hope so? It seems that when I am not in a relationship I am so excited by everything around me! Everything that differs from the norm or what society deems as acceptable.

Feel like Iam losing control, my foundations feel unstable

Last night, I went to a house party. I havent been to a house party since high school. The day started off well, with the kids playing in the jumping castle and all the adults conversing. As the night rolled in, the children departed and the adults came to play. There were jager shots and blunts and loud dubstep music blaring. I was there with Taylor and his friends. Taylor and I sleep together occasionally and that’s all it is. Our friendship is much stronger than our physical attraction and we have the mutual respect for each other. He has blatantly said ‘do not fuck any of my friends’. Which is something I wouldn’t do. Except now, I think I may have feelings for one of his friends. WE had to have the awkward conversation of how I would feel if I were in his shoes. And I said that I would get over it if he believed that there could possibly be something deep there.
Furthermore, the guy that I am interested in, Tones, his ex girlfriend was there causing a huge scene because we were close. He left me and ran to her aid with her dramatic scenes. He said that she was a family friend and he wanted to keep the peace, but to me it looked like he was feeding her desperation.
To add to the drama of the night, I had an altercation with another male at the party, we were playfully slapping each other around and he stood up and backhanded me. I was shocked and seething with anger. I had to remove myself from the situation and retreat to a room so that I did not lunge at him with a sharp object and rip him open. Behaviour like that would definitely land me back in hospital. I can’t afford that with my children so I restrained myself quite well I thought. The other boys at the party were so shocked that it happened and acknowledged that it was wrong but he was one of their childhood friends with obvious issues. Prior to this incident he witnessed Tones and I getting intimate with hugging and kissing and seemed to get upset at that because he knows that Taylor and I have an agreement. I would never dream of coming between friends and I asked Taylor how he felt and he brushed it off. If he had a problem with it I would stop straight away, despite the growing feelings.
I have a lot of uni work to do which has not been done at all. I feel like the partying and drugs are seeping into my life and not staying purely recreational which they should be. I need a break from it and find my grounding again. Also, as much as I like Tones, I feel that the guy I went on a date with last week is a better match.
Tones:
half italian and fijian
drives an Mazda RX7
is a mechanic and race car technician
likes dubstep music
is slightly weird and left of square just like me
seems to want something deep and meaningful from someone and is constantly searching for it
has a tongue piercing
smokes pot. which is not the best.
loves my feet
is a great masseuse
likes to cuddle

Thats about it so far. Now to try and get my footing back on the ground from this up and down incidents.

The bruise from the ‘incident’

So sore

Feeling used and horrible :(

So I thought I would give my ‘friend’ the benefit of the doubt and have him come over and hang out for a bit because he was a little down. Big Mistake.
He came over, sat down and we talked about what was bothering him and watched some television. We started kissing, and that was fine. Then he started to get grabby, and I tried to push him away. Again to no avail. This went on for a while then he grabbed a handful of my hair at the roots hard and pushed me down on him. He kept pushing till he was completely down my throat and I could barely breathe. I started choking and kept trying to pull away and he kept holding me there. I could feel myself about to vomit, tears streaming down my face from the force of it. I was kicking and slapping at him which proved as futile efforts. A little bit of vomit did come up, he didnt seem to care, but let me up. Just when I thought I had a second to breathe, he grabbed my hair again, I kept turning my head away saying no. He relieved himself on my face and chest while still grasping my hair.
It seems in an attempt to compensate, he wiped my face and put a blanket on me, kissed me on my forehead said goodnight and headed for the door. I was fuming, and hurt and just wanted him out.
My scalp hurts quite a bit and my throat feels sore. This time seemed more violent to me, but I’m scared I can’t trust my judgment. His contradictory actions confused me even more. He messaged me when he got home and I messaged back saying that was not ok and he said “I’m sorry…” So I guess to him that makes it okay now.
I feel disgusting