“I wish you were normal”

Those were the words I heard my ex husband convey to me today. They cut like a knife, insinuating the regret and the yearning he has to be with me yet the need to be away from my ‘insanity’. How sad I became when he said that and had that distant look in his eyes, like I am the one not good enough now. And to add to it, he said ‘you’re unlovable”. Everything that lies dormant inside my head came flooding out. All those doubts and insecurities that I have been trying to banish for the last few months seem to have been confirmed by his verbal statement and the sheer honesty of how he feels.
I am unlovable because I am not normal. That is what I heard and strung together by those two statements. Why did he marry me initially? I’m so lost and depressed from hearing that from the one person who does know me completely. Well, knows about me completely but not my yearning for love or need to be loved. I feel all the abandonment arising again. The tears welling up in my eyes as I write this comes from the soaring feeling of despair in my body. The feeling of hopelessness. Like what is the point anymore?
After he had said this, he decided he could fondle my body how he wanted. I asked him if that’s what he thought he could do and he blatantly said yes. I felt numb and used, very much like an inanimate toy.
I have this overwhelming need to cut again. I need the sharp edge of the blade to slice through my skin and the dark red fluid to flow out. Will I be able to stop myself? Only time will tell