ABOUT TO BE HOMELESS, BPD STIGMA CONTINUES

As a result of my diagnosis, my ex husband has taken it upon himself to take my children from me and take all our savings as I am ‘incapable of looking after anything’. I have been working and doing uni still and paying legal fees and rent for a house i cant afford. I still need to pay four more weeks which is 680 a fortnight. My care broke down and I owe 880 on that.
I have nothing left. He has taken my children, my livelihood and now he wants maintenance as well! I am struggling to survive. I have no money for food! I am close to ending it.

If I don’t get my children back at the next court hearing I will sell all my things and pay back any money that I have borrowed and end this miserable existence for good. I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry if I’m sounding selfish but I am sick of things getting worse, abuse after abuse, being alienated from the children I gave birth to and now looking at homelessness.

I am over this horrible life! I hate it! I’m angry at the world! I will bleed to death. Will also make sure that I am definitely registered as an organ donor so someone can make use of whatever is left.

MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN TAKEN!!

My ex husband has taken my children on the premise that I am unstable to care for them as a result of my BPD. I have never endangered my children nor have I neglected them once. He was a violent and abusive man during our relationship and now the Federal courts have agreed that he have sole custody pertaining an interim hearing. I am so distraught, I can hardly breathe, my life feels lost. My children were my everything.
He has said he wants to destroy me and he knows the only way to do it is through taking my children. His crazed mind has never been assessed and I am so scared that he will hurt my babies to get back at me.

“I wish you were normal”

Those were the words I heard my ex husband convey to me today. They cut like a knife, insinuating the regret and the yearning he has to be with me yet the need to be away from my ‘insanity’. How sad I became when he said that and had that distant look in his eyes, like I am the one not good enough now. And to add to it, he said ‘you’re unlovable”. Everything that lies dormant inside my head came flooding out. All those doubts and insecurities that I have been trying to banish for the last few months seem to have been confirmed by his verbal statement and the sheer honesty of how he feels.
I am unlovable because I am not normal. That is what I heard and strung together by those two statements. Why did he marry me initially? I’m so lost and depressed from hearing that from the one person who does know me completely. Well, knows about me completely but not my yearning for love or need to be loved. I feel all the abandonment arising again. The tears welling up in my eyes as I write this comes from the soaring feeling of despair in my body. The feeling of hopelessness. Like what is the point anymore?
After he had said this, he decided he could fondle my body how he wanted. I asked him if that’s what he thought he could do and he blatantly said yes. I felt numb and used, very much like an inanimate toy.
I have this overwhelming need to cut again. I need the sharp edge of the blade to slice through my skin and the dark red fluid to flow out. Will I be able to stop myself? Only time will tell

The downward spiral begins…again

I can feel myself becoming depressed again, after having a good run for about a week, it’s hitting me again. The custody issues, being used by men, having my friends dessert me when they get frustrated because I don’t take their advice when all I want is some fucking support! This utter lonely feeling is all encompassing and feels like I’m drowning, feeling totally empty inside. I’m getting the impulse to cut again, to feel the pain but to punish myself for being an idiot. For being a woman! I hate that I can be just sex to someone, I am a person too!! Yes I like sex and enjoy kinky and erotic play. yes I am a masochist but I have feelings too!! I want love too!! At least some bloody affection if not love!!
My ex husband dropped the kids off at my mother’s place today. I am angry about this because we agreed not to do this because my alcoholic child molesting father continues to frequent her house. Instead of discussing drop off with me decently he had to get angry at me and this made me feel helpless and really hurt and angry. What an idiotic prick!! He dropped them off half hour early just to go out with the boys when he could have waited a little while to drop them off at my work. Mind you, today was his day to watch the girls, but getting shit-faced is more important to him.

I am feeling really down again. I don’t know how I’m going to stay afloat this time. Lets hope it’s an acute phase and will pass before it gets severe.