Limited close relationships for those who have suffered lifelong trauma

I have been mindful in noticing the relational patterns and close networks of those who have suffered trauma throughout their lives. This does not included a one off incident. By trauma I am referring to the following:
-childhood physical abuse
-childhood sexual abuse
-chronic homelessness
-patterns of domestic and family violence
-childhood emotional abuse
-victim of violent crimes
-witnessing war
-experiencing war and gang violence
-rape at any stage of life.

Many people who experience anything traumatic appear to have multiple incidents from their past that were traumatic as well. These lead them into further incidents of trauma as a result of mental health deterioration from the initial trauma.

Trauma impacts a person’s life tremendously in all areas. Their emotional health is often extremely damaged that functioning in day to day activities such as work and school become difficult. Repeated absences are common and a pattern of emotional breakdowns become the reason for their fatigue and lack of motivation. Even with medication, many struggle to live life smoothly.

Therefore, with their limited scope in daily functioning, their social skills become limited and their ability to sustain long term relationships become problematic. They may move frequently or struggle with interpersonal interaction to the point where people stay away from them due to their unpredictability. Those who remain by their side are true gems. They possess an understanding that is shared by few. Even then, survivors of repeated trauma may retreat from these people from time to time. It is understanding by these support networks that enable the relationship to continue when the person has finally decided to reengage.

I have many example of clients I work with and their patterns of abuse impacting their interpersonal relationships. Often even family abandon them due to lack of understanding as victims tend to be emotionally unstable and unpredictable in their actions.

Personally I can say that I have struggled for years with maintaining relationships. I make friends very quickly and those friendships die as quickly as they began. I realise that abrupt changes in my mood and behaviour have pushed people away but even when I try some people can not understand that it becomes hard to give to another person when you are currently experiencing or reliving trauma.

I’ve had years of child sexual abuse, periods of homelessness, abandonment, repeated sexual attacks from various men (some of whom I thought were friends) three domestic violent relationships, two of which were extremely physically and sexually violent and I was a child during the war back in my homeland. I witnessed and experienced several incidents throughout my childhood which impacted my relationships and my future decisions in men. My instincts were damaged and I trusted many people much too easily.

As a result of this trauma, I developed depression initially, then anxiety and now BPD and complex PTSD. Whenever I am in a situation where my body reacts and triggers feelings from those incidents, my behaviour and mood changes for a week if not more. I have a highly sensitive startle reflex and feel intense fear when a man yells at me or tells me that I have done something wrong.

I resort to any sexual act to put myself in their good books again and to feel some sort of closeness, no matter how small. I know that the closeness I feel I create in my head therefore I don’t feel connected to the person, only to the act, which I am yet to uncover reasons as to why. As a result of these sexual encounters with almost anyone, my networks with people are clouded with sex. And many of those relationships end when they find partners or when things start going sour because of my reactions when I feel I am being dominated.

I need to work on maintaining real friendships that do not need sex to bind them. Hopefully when I start my new DBT program I will be well on my way.

ONLINE PROFESSIONAL BPD BULLY!!

I was appalled at the statements made by this ‘Doctor’ on her website about males and females diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She demonises the sufferer and blames them for any violence perpetuated against them by saying “they drive their partners to the brink”; “they turn good men into monsters”.

This is bullying, whether one likes it or not. It brought me to tears to think people out there believe people like me, who have been through so much trauma and abuse, are the evil ones out there. I was at an all time low today after reading her articles.

My partner had stumbled across her ” 50 ways to break up with your BPD partner” article. My partner now feels as though he is the victim amongst all this and that I am a manipulative and selfish person. So now this gives him the right to lecture me and yell at me. I don’t know what to do or how to feel or even who I am anymore. he characterises me as my disorder not a girl with a disorder. The disorder is me.

http://gettinbetter.com/borderline.html

So lonely and sad :( No hope

After listening to a few of my other mum friends speak of their tribulations in their marriage and with being left a sole parent as a result of cheating or abusive husbands, I feel like there is no hope. There is no hope for the happiness we seek. These beautiful strong women are mere shadows surviving through life not living. There doesn’t seem to be much difference than being dead. The though has begun to cross my mid more often. The thought of just being dead or to be a complete rebel and get the finer things in life by any means possible to merely exist for my children. However, there lies the consequences in if my children ever discovered their mother’s sordid employment choice. Or do I continue to watch each day come and go being a shadow. Suffering this intense pain and loneliness inside. I wonder if more medication would change my feelings? I want to smile and mean it. I’m on the verge of tears all the time. Even as I write this I’m crying, I somehow feel as if my body is devoid of the blood that is meant to be pumping through it. I feel like a corpse. Limp, lifeless, extinct of the oxygen that is required to circulate through my body to stimulate daily functioning. Conversely, I can see myself functioning as a happy productive mother, while I’m on the outside in this corpse. This bubbling mum I see during school pickups and drop offs, during ballet lessons and bustling around the house cleaning and engaging with her children. But her cracks are starting to show, people have started to ask : Are you okay? Her children are starting to resent her and make blatant preferences for their father despite the love and care she bestows upon them.
This deep dark hole is endless, and I’m falling deeper into it. Why does it feel like the knight I’ve always dreamed about will be the only one to rescue me and fill my veins with blood again? Shouldn’t I rely on oxygen to do that? Maybe, it’s because oxygen does not seem enough anymore.

The downward spiral begins…again

I can feel myself becoming depressed again, after having a good run for about a week, it’s hitting me again. The custody issues, being used by men, having my friends dessert me when they get frustrated because I don’t take their advice when all I want is some fucking support! This utter lonely feeling is all encompassing and feels like I’m drowning, feeling totally empty inside. I’m getting the impulse to cut again, to feel the pain but to punish myself for being an idiot. For being a woman! I hate that I can be just sex to someone, I am a person too!! Yes I like sex and enjoy kinky and erotic play. yes I am a masochist but I have feelings too!! I want love too!! At least some bloody affection if not love!!
My ex husband dropped the kids off at my mother’s place today. I am angry about this because we agreed not to do this because my alcoholic child molesting father continues to frequent her house. Instead of discussing drop off with me decently he had to get angry at me and this made me feel helpless and really hurt and angry. What an idiotic prick!! He dropped them off half hour early just to go out with the boys when he could have waited a little while to drop them off at my work. Mind you, today was his day to watch the girls, but getting shit-faced is more important to him.

I am feeling really down again. I don’t know how I’m going to stay afloat this time. Lets hope it’s an acute phase and will pass before it gets severe.