ABOUT TO BE HOMELESS, BPD STIGMA CONTINUES

As a result of my diagnosis, my ex husband has taken it upon himself to take my children from me and take all our savings as I am ‘incapable of looking after anything’. I have been working and doing uni still and paying legal fees and rent for a house i cant afford. I still need to pay four more weeks which is 680 a fortnight. My care broke down and I owe 880 on that.
I have nothing left. He has taken my children, my livelihood and now he wants maintenance as well! I am struggling to survive. I have no money for food! I am close to ending it.

If I don’t get my children back at the next court hearing I will sell all my things and pay back any money that I have borrowed and end this miserable existence for good. I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry if I’m sounding selfish but I am sick of things getting worse, abuse after abuse, being alienated from the children I gave birth to and now looking at homelessness.

I am over this horrible life! I hate it! I’m angry at the world! I will bleed to death. Will also make sure that I am definitely registered as an organ donor so someone can make use of whatever is left.

REPLY CLAIMING BPD individuals are victimisers: your thoughts?

I received this reply to my post about the online BPD bully.. I didn’t feel like it was constructive and felt attacked yet again. I am aware of my behaviour and am in therapy for it, what are your thoughts on this comment? I have deleted the name of the blogger so they don’t feel attacked.

Sep 2, 3:10 am

BPD behavior CAN drive other people to the breaking point. Yes, you have suffered, but you sometimes behave like an abuser yourself. Screaming rages … Projecting your past abuses and rejections onto present, seeing rejection everywhere, creating crisis after crisis. Black and white thinking. Hyper-critical. All’s fine if your partner knows about your BPD, and walks on eggshells, actis as an amateur therapist — validating YOUR feelings and experience. But what if they can’t take it any more and stand up to/confront you? What if they have problems and feelings too and lose their patience? What if they don’t know you are BPD and treat you like a “normal” person? What if they refuse to accept you as the perpetual victim? BPDs can be a nightmare to live with — spreading the pain they experienced as victims wherever they go. The victim becomes the victimizer. If that is impossible for you to see then you are not in recovery, you are in denial.

ONLINE PROFESSIONAL BPD BULLY!!

I was appalled at the statements made by this ‘Doctor’ on her website about males and females diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She demonises the sufferer and blames them for any violence perpetuated against them by saying “they drive their partners to the brink”; “they turn good men into monsters”.

This is bullying, whether one likes it or not. It brought me to tears to think people out there believe people like me, who have been through so much trauma and abuse, are the evil ones out there. I was at an all time low today after reading her articles.

My partner had stumbled across her ” 50 ways to break up with your BPD partner” article. My partner now feels as though he is the victim amongst all this and that I am a manipulative and selfish person. So now this gives him the right to lecture me and yell at me. I don’t know what to do or how to feel or even who I am anymore. he characterises me as my disorder not a girl with a disorder. The disorder is me.

http://gettinbetter.com/borderline.html

The drugs and sex are back to cope with the loneliness

The loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is the driving force which causes me to do anything I can to escape it. When my children are away I’m having sex with multiple partners in one weekend, I’m taking drugs and I’m ecstatic and enjoying myself till I’m left alone in my house, completely alone. Noone sticks around, no matter how hard I try to please them and play the role they want me to.

My body is sore and bruised from the different men playing with it. I have bite marks and sore muscles from being contorted at their will. Being flexible doesn’t mean that it wont hurt at times. I’m a doll in their hands. It’s so draining but I just want them to hold me and hug me, I want to be in someone’s arms and this seems to be the only way to get it.

My body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me when I’m doing the act. I feel like I’m sometimes watching myself. I basically let them do whatever they like to please them, to make them like me, to stay with me. Noone has so far so I guess it’s not really working. But the moments of company and hugs I do get seem to get me through till the next weekend where I lose control all over again.

The emptiness is painful, I feel like the three options that can make it subside momentarily are self harm (cutting), sex or drugs, the latter are done in the company of others.
I know it sounds stupid and weak but I want someone to rescue me, to keep me safe and love me. I hate this feeling. I hate my body being used but these are what i do to cope, please do not judge me, if I could stop it I really would! I feel like I have no control..

Feeling used and horrible :(

So I thought I would give my ‘friend’ the benefit of the doubt and have him come over and hang out for a bit because he was a little down. Big Mistake.
He came over, sat down and we talked about what was bothering him and watched some television. We started kissing, and that was fine. Then he started to get grabby, and I tried to push him away. Again to no avail. This went on for a while then he grabbed a handful of my hair at the roots hard and pushed me down on him. He kept pushing till he was completely down my throat and I could barely breathe. I started choking and kept trying to pull away and he kept holding me there. I could feel myself about to vomit, tears streaming down my face from the force of it. I was kicking and slapping at him which proved as futile efforts. A little bit of vomit did come up, he didnt seem to care, but let me up. Just when I thought I had a second to breathe, he grabbed my hair again, I kept turning my head away saying no. He relieved himself on my face and chest while still grasping my hair.
It seems in an attempt to compensate, he wiped my face and put a blanket on me, kissed me on my forehead said goodnight and headed for the door. I was fuming, and hurt and just wanted him out.
My scalp hurts quite a bit and my throat feels sore. This time seemed more violent to me, but I’m scared I can’t trust my judgment. His contradictory actions confused me even more. He messaged me when he got home and I messaged back saying that was not ok and he said “I’m sorry…” So I guess to him that makes it okay now.
I feel disgusting

I feel like a whore

The concept of CONSENT has long been a debated issue in society.

What is Consent?
How does one know when consent is given?
Does consent have to be given once only?

I had this dilemma today when a male friend came over to hang out. It was fine at first, just hanging out, watching television and hugging. Then things started getting heated. It seems as though once I give consent for a cuddle it is an invitation for more? I was so confused at that. I was worried about the friendship. He wasn’t really forceful, he was more persistent and coercive. I said no blatantly several times. He still made his way inside me, holding me down, but kissing me still. I was so confused. I figured there is no point to continue to fight it. I was either going to get hurt down there or try to enjoy it. He cuddled and kissed me after. Then tried again, I was lot more firm this time with my NO’s and used the strength of my legs and thighs to hold his body away from me. He eventually became soft and couldn’t continue anyway. He messaged me and asked if I was ok a few minutes after he left. Incredibly confusing for me, I did know what to make of it.

I want to use the ‘r’ word but feel like it wasn’t bad enough to be that. Moments like this further contribute to my sense of loneliness, need for love and intimacy and the confusion I have when it comes to sex.

Sex diet= FAIL! First Date with Edward= WIN!!

I saw Edward yesterday, whom I haven’t seen in 2 years! It was absolutely amazing! But so much for the sex diet 😦 I feel like I tried so hard to resist and so did he but after 10 hours together it was futile. I think the date was extremely extended but neither of us seemed to want to be away from each others company.
It began with him picking me up at 8pm. Opening the car door for me to get in and closing it for me. Definite brownie points there! Then we went and had thai at a local restaurant and hired some dvds to watch at his place since we couldn’t decide on one to watch at the movies. I think that was my first mistake. I should not have agreed to movies at his. The whole time he was opening doors for me and being such a gentleman.
We got to his place and sat down at the table and had some deep and meaningful discussions over some apple and blackcurrant juice, which I thought was very cute. I uncovered his love for video gaming and online gaming which he blushed at. He showed me his world title belt and trophies from his international fights. Feats that he was very proud of. Which I found very sexy too.
After watching both movies, on two seperate couches, which I couldnt understand why, I motioned for him to sit near me. Which is my second mistake. He leaned in for a kiss and I didn’t move. Then he mentioned that was kind of awkward and I found that extremely cute and leaned in and we shared the most beautiful first kiss ever! It was like something out of a movie. We continued talking and sharing our life moments and kissing throughout. Then we were cuddling and things got heated. There was tickling and then one thing led to another and he was down on me. I wanted to return the favour but he was against it. I couldn’t understand why, and pushed the subject. My third mistake. Because when I did, he didn’t want me to stop. So I did. I think I really wanted to only because he didnt want me to, but when he did want me to I didnt want to. So obviously as hot and intense as that was, it was inevitable what would happen next. It was great but brief because I stopped it. I had so much internal conflict about the whole sex on a first date. Which he was so sweet and understanding about. He kept trying to make me feel better about.
So we cuddled again and spooned and talked and kissed. The kisses were amazing!! I felt like I was flying every time we kissed. The drove me home at 6am!! He had to go pick up his daughter at 7am. I had such a wonderful time despite the sex and would really want to see him again, but don’t want to appear desperate.
I really like this guy. His stats:
– Same age as me
– Owns his own business
– Has bought his house
– Single father
– Muay thai fighter
– Really awkwardly cute
– Sarcastic humour
– Caucasian
– Taller than me
– Beautiful body
– Two large tattoos
– Is a dog lover
– Responsible
– Enjoys traveling
– Seems neat and tidy 🙂
– Great Kisser!!

So now to wait and see when he contacts me and when he organises the nest meet which I hope will be next weekend at the latest.xx