The drugs and sex are back to cope with the loneliness

The loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is the driving force which causes me to do anything I can to escape it. When my children are away I’m having sex with multiple partners in one weekend, I’m taking drugs and I’m ecstatic and enjoying myself till I’m left alone in my house, completely alone. Noone sticks around, no matter how hard I try to please them and play the role they want me to.

My body is sore and bruised from the different men playing with it. I have bite marks and sore muscles from being contorted at their will. Being flexible doesn’t mean that it wont hurt at times. I’m a doll in their hands. It’s so draining but I just want them to hold me and hug me, I want to be in someone’s arms and this seems to be the only way to get it.

My body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me when I’m doing the act. I feel like I’m sometimes watching myself. I basically let them do whatever they like to please them, to make them like me, to stay with me. Noone has so far so I guess it’s not really working. But the moments of company and hugs I do get seem to get me through till the next weekend where I lose control all over again.

The emptiness is painful, I feel like the three options that can make it subside momentarily are self harm (cutting), sex or drugs, the latter are done in the company of others.
I know it sounds stupid and weak but I want someone to rescue me, to keep me safe and love me. I hate this feeling. I hate my body being used but these are what i do to cope, please do not judge me, if I could stop it I really would! I feel like I have no control..

Recycling the Muay Thai Fighter

Yes it happened. The guy I dated last year who was the international kickboxing fighter is back in town and we caught up. It was fine at first, relaying the happenings of what has gone on since we last saw each other and parted on unfriendly terms. In an attempt to maintain civility and not breed feelings of resentment we started talking again. Most would say that he is only doing it to get more pussy, per se. Either way, I needed the male company and the hugs, I guess sex seemed the price for it? He gave the impression that he had something to prove from the previous performance where he came in about two minutes. this time he went the distance, covering all of his bases and definitely putting on a show, demonstrating his sexual maturity in a way. He is fairly young, only 20, so he was very keen to please which was something I appreciated. He spent a considerable amount of time going down on me, really getting in there and making love to my snatch. WE 69’d and he did choke me with his excitement since I was on the bottom. Easily something out of a porn movie scene.
All in all, it was a satisfactory experience despite the slight feelings of regret the next morning for having found myself in that situation again. Especially after things went so sour with his former friend who was the man I fell deeply in love with.
Recycling: a term I use to indicate sexual partners whom I have already been with. A safer practice as you know them somewhat emotionally and it doesn’t make your partner number increase!

I’m good enough to fuck but not kiss?

Okay, so I slept with my male best friend Taylor, again. This time, there was no kissing and when I tried to get a goodbye kiss he straight out said friends don’t kiss! I was like what the fuck?? So the whole day today I had been sending him messages about why it was different this time round. He basically came over, we fucked and he left. I felt like a hooker. I understand that casual sex is meant to be devoid of emotions but we are meant to be friends, i am not some hooker of his. Some of the messages he sent back were pretty rude like ” you whinge about guys using u and leaving you but you drive them away with the shit you pull”
Like wow, he knows very well about my issues since we talk about this shit all the time and for him to come out and say that was pretty low.
And I messaged one of our mutual friends about my feelings and apparently he has been told about everything! So much for privacy! Lucky I don’t post a picture of him and name and shame him for his womanizing ways. Before we were about to do it, he was messaging some other girl about naked photos. He is always sleeping around with some girl that he calls a slut, but somehow misses the fact that he is the biggest whore out! Insensitive cunt of a man!
In conclusion, they are all cunts! Men are all out to use and abuse! I am really upset that the friendship may be ruined over our careless sexual romps. Seriously, I am good enough to fuck and blow on but not good enough to kiss this time round. He made me feel as if I was making a big deal out of nothing! These are my feelings, regardless of whether its insignificant to someone else. He completely dismissed my feelings and made me out to be some idiot.
I will never sleep with him again! I would like to say I will never have casual sex again but that is where my inner conflicts arise. I thought I was enjoying myself till these issues came up. I want affection with sex. not just sex.

Sexually perverted

I am convinced that I am definitely a disgusting perverted individual.  After having that sexual encounter on the weekend, I am still sending erotic messages to  my ex boyfriend Dillon.  I would still consider an encounter with my ex husband.  Can I not be satisfied? Am I that highly sexual? Or am I just searching for that one person who can give me intimacy and love? I think it is moreso the second option.  Also I think I am still using my sexuality to manipulate all of them.  Seems to be the only thing that would keep them around for me.  I mean, its seems like they will sooner or later find out that I’m not an interesting person or not worth being around and leave.  I need to keep them there.  Gosh, that so awfully honest!

To add to the perversion of it all, I’m immersed in pornography.  The rough kinky porn, love watching the girls beg and get thrown around and love watching multiple men on one girl, but more towards the end where they are climaxing.  I would never do the multiple partners, I think I’m too scared of that.   But the thought has crossed my mind about the fantasy world of porn.  Would  I be that disturbed to try it? I don’t think so, I think for now it is just thoughts.  I hope it stays that way, I can’t begin to imagine the drugs and feelings of worthlessness that would illicit in me!

The only positive from pornography is the time with myself that I have.  The time I have exploring my body, spending time with my body without anyone else interfering.  Trying to discover what it is I really like for me, sexually.  When I don’t feel like I need to perform for someone.  trying to separate the sexual abuse as a child from the past to my sexuality as an adult. That will take ages for sure, but the time alone with porn seems to be intimate for me anyway.  The phone sex I have with Dillon, is more for his benefit than mine since I would much rather play with my clitoris than finger away as he likes it.  However, hearing him say things like ‘fuck it harder’ do make me excited.  It’s all so confusing and I don’t really know where the line of healthy is anymore.  All I know is that little feeling I get when i don’t want to do something and am forced to do it anyway.

All in good time I guess, one day these sexual perversions will only be sexual 🙂