The drugs and sex are back to cope with the loneliness

The loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is the driving force which causes me to do anything I can to escape it. When my children are away I’m having sex with multiple partners in one weekend, I’m taking drugs and I’m ecstatic and enjoying myself till I’m left alone in my house, completely alone. Noone sticks around, no matter how hard I try to please them and play the role they want me to.

My body is sore and bruised from the different men playing with it. I have bite marks and sore muscles from being contorted at their will. Being flexible doesn’t mean that it wont hurt at times. I’m a doll in their hands. It’s so draining but I just want them to hold me and hug me, I want to be in someone’s arms and this seems to be the only way to get it.

My body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me when I’m doing the act. I feel like I’m sometimes watching myself. I basically let them do whatever they like to please them, to make them like me, to stay with me. Noone has so far so I guess it’s not really working. But the moments of company and hugs I do get seem to get me through till the next weekend where I lose control all over again.

The emptiness is painful, I feel like the three options that can make it subside momentarily are self harm (cutting), sex or drugs, the latter are done in the company of others.
I know it sounds stupid and weak but I want someone to rescue me, to keep me safe and love me. I hate this feeling. I hate my body being used but these are what i do to cope, please do not judge me, if I could stop it I really would! I feel like I have no control..

To act upon my sexual perversions or not?

My day off today, and I fucked myself crazy. I also messaged Dillon when I got all steamy. His response was minimal and surprisingly I am not that fussed anymore! Finally! But now I’m thinking is it due to the string of sexual encounters I have had in the past month? One night stands have never been my thing, but this fascination with porn draws out my alter ego. The sexual deviant, a far cry from the responsible suburban mother.

And another thing! I realised I keep hanging onto the image of him because he actually had an attractive penis! The other guy I sext doesn’t really, but he is much better looking and is a lot more responsive in his messages and seems to have a more vivid imagination.

Now the topic of sexual perversions such as porn. I have been thinking about it, but I don’t think I would have the self confidence to do it. A friend suggested stripping, but if that were to get out it would ruin my wholesome image. I feel like I would be one person during the day and another at night. I don’t think it would be conducive to my recovery though. At least being aware of what the disorder entails enables me to see when I’m making impulsive decisions and decisions which could potentially be self harming ones. No doubt should i get into stripping or porn I would rely upon drugs to get me relaxed.

Maybe I just need someone stable to love me so we can have amazing sex and I can act on a personal video! I have told one person about my thoughts on this subject and he has offered to help me make a trial video. How seemingly helpful, but seriously like I can’t see through his obvious motives there! Men are so evil!

I feel like this horrible dirty slut.  Feels like everything my ex and the bitches in high school said about me are true.  I try so hard to eb this vision of motherly perfection and then this terribly deviant sexual side permeates my facade every so often! who the fuck am i really?