The drugs and sex are back to cope with the loneliness

The loneliness and emptiness I feel inside is the driving force which causes me to do anything I can to escape it. When my children are away I’m having sex with multiple partners in one weekend, I’m taking drugs and I’m ecstatic and enjoying myself till I’m left alone in my house, completely alone. Noone sticks around, no matter how hard I try to please them and play the role they want me to.

My body is sore and bruised from the different men playing with it. I have bite marks and sore muscles from being contorted at their will. Being flexible doesn’t mean that it wont hurt at times. I’m a doll in their hands. It’s so draining but I just want them to hold me and hug me, I want to be in someone’s arms and this seems to be the only way to get it.

My body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me when I’m doing the act. I feel like I’m sometimes watching myself. I basically let them do whatever they like to please them, to make them like me, to stay with me. Noone has so far so I guess it’s not really working. But the moments of company and hugs I do get seem to get me through till the next weekend where I lose control all over again.

The emptiness is painful, I feel like the three options that can make it subside momentarily are self harm (cutting), sex or drugs, the latter are done in the company of others.
I know it sounds stupid and weak but I want someone to rescue me, to keep me safe and love me. I hate this feeling. I hate my body being used but these are what i do to cope, please do not judge me, if I could stop it I really would! I feel like I have no control..