PREGNANT AND ALONE

third pregnany showing already

So I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with my third child. No support around me and sadness fills me. The father was emotionally sexually and physically abusive and has also lied to me about another woman I believe. I despise him. I never want to see him again.

But I want this child. If there is one thing that I identify with the most in this world is being a mother. It’s going to be so hard financially, but I can do this. I don’t think he will support us at all. I am sure as hell not putting myself in a situation where he can take my baby from me.

Any ideas on what would be a good course of action would be nice. I plan to change my number, I’m moving home and have blocked him on my internet accounts. If he really wants to be part of the childs life he can later on. But now the stress of his abuse and infidelity puts too much strain on me.

I’m showing sooo much earlier this time. Third pregnancy really makes u pop early.

MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN TAKEN!!

My ex husband has taken my children on the premise that I am unstable to care for them as a result of my BPD. I have never endangered my children nor have I neglected them once. He was a violent and abusive man during our relationship and now the Federal courts have agreed that he have sole custody pertaining an interim hearing. I am so distraught, I can hardly breathe, my life feels lost. My children were my everything.
He has said he wants to destroy me and he knows the only way to do it is through taking my children. His crazed mind has never been assessed and I am so scared that he will hurt my babies to get back at me.

Feeling unvalidated and

I had a massive fight with my mother and my sister today. They are both heavily christian and are active in their faith. I believe in God and christian principles but I do struggle with a lot of things like sex and my sexual orientation.

The fight we had was because my mother still believes that she set wonderful boundaries for me as a child when she did not in fact do so. My father was sexually abusing me from the age of 4. She was unaware of it and never addressed any of my boundary issues with other people as a young child. To add to it, I have recently found out that they have gotten back together. Noone bothered to tell me, I only found out by going to her house and seeing that he had moved back in. I understand that he gies her money and she needs it to survive. Makes me ever so determined to never rely on a man for finance ever again. I feel like everyone thinks its important for him to be forgiven and expected that I not be hurt by it anymore. It still hurts, I have forgiven him but I DO NOT trust him in any way, especially around my daughters.

The fight with my sister was because I felt that she was judging me for various things, because she is strong within her faith and I am not. She disagrees with many things that other churches say and even my church about what they think I would benefit from. Makes me want to not follow anyones crap and just talk to God myself and use my own discernment even thought its not that great to begin with.

I feel so unvalidated and alone all over again..

So lonely and sad :( No hope

After listening to a few of my other mum friends speak of their tribulations in their marriage and with being left a sole parent as a result of cheating or abusive husbands, I feel like there is no hope. There is no hope for the happiness we seek. These beautiful strong women are mere shadows surviving through life not living. There doesn’t seem to be much difference than being dead. The though has begun to cross my mid more often. The thought of just being dead or to be a complete rebel and get the finer things in life by any means possible to merely exist for my children. However, there lies the consequences in if my children ever discovered their mother’s sordid employment choice. Or do I continue to watch each day come and go being a shadow. Suffering this intense pain and loneliness inside. I wonder if more medication would change my feelings? I want to smile and mean it. I’m on the verge of tears all the time. Even as I write this I’m crying, I somehow feel as if my body is devoid of the blood that is meant to be pumping through it. I feel like a corpse. Limp, lifeless, extinct of the oxygen that is required to circulate through my body to stimulate daily functioning. Conversely, I can see myself functioning as a happy productive mother, while I’m on the outside in this corpse. This bubbling mum I see during school pickups and drop offs, during ballet lessons and bustling around the house cleaning and engaging with her children. But her cracks are starting to show, people have started to ask : Are you okay? Her children are starting to resent her and make blatant preferences for their father despite the love and care she bestows upon them.
This deep dark hole is endless, and I’m falling deeper into it. Why does it feel like the knight I’ve always dreamed about will be the only one to rescue me and fill my veins with blood again? Shouldn’t I rely on oxygen to do that? Maybe, it’s because oxygen does not seem enough anymore.

I’m different and noone likes it

Over the past few years, I have lost many dear friends and the ones I have now I can not be completely open with for fear that they will leave me as well. There have been times when I have received indicators of their conditional friendship. As a result, I have arrived at the conclusion that nobody can really handle me, the whole me, mental illness and all. As soon as cracks begin to show in my daily functioning, I see people back off. I understand that I am difficult to be around and handle but I am always there for them, unconditionally, even if they are making undesirable choices.
It gets so very lonely, I guess that’s why I yearn for a significant other, someone I can be my whole self around and loves me no matter what. Mind you, I have never found this person. This is why I put up with the crap from guys, bruises heal, but the pain of abandonment is there forever!
I mean, my own parents struggled with me and had to have space from me for a year before my mother tried to get me back. My family doesn’t talk to me, extended family, so why should I expect ‘friends’ to hang around? To judge and shake their head at my actions and decisions and not understand why I do certain things? If I could be better and make the right choices straight away, I would! I don’t want ot be unhappy or angry! I want to be happy! Truly happy!
I understand that friendships are two way streets and when I am able I am always there for them! Which has been several times, my house has become a safe haven, I have stayed up many hours talking and listening and being the shoulder that gets soaked in tears. I have sided with them when they have resented ex boyfriends, I have not berated them for not being able to resist contact with people they ‘shouldn’t’ be contacting. But when it comes to me, it’s suddenly different? Or thats the way it feels, since they are not around anymore!
Noone understands what it’s like to struggle with BPD everyday! It impacts all of my decisions. My ability to sustain regular employment, to maintain social activities, I get so drained and need a months break at the least to recuperate. How is my life ever going to get better or be normal?
Maybe I don’t want normal? Maybe this is me and I accept me, and it’s disappointing that noone else can. I am surprised that I can still be a mother to my children, it’s the one consistent thing I have done for the last 6 years. I have my moments, and I’m not ashamed to tell my kids that mummy is struggling a little today and that’s okay. I sometimes feel bad for them that I do not have the energy to play but I know that this is me. I try and convey the message to them that even grown ups aren’t perfect, so it’s okay to just try your best and if your body tells you that you need to rest, you should listen to it. It’s okay to be sad or angry and make mistakes because it happens to the best of us. I reinforce every single day, a few times a day that I love my children immensely. I want them to be emotionally aware individuals because that will ultimately be where there self esteem and sense of safety stems from. Not from others or from a book.