So lonely and sad :( No hope

After listening to a few of my other mum friends speak of their tribulations in their marriage and with being left a sole parent as a result of cheating or abusive husbands, I feel like there is no hope. There is no hope for the happiness we seek. These beautiful strong women are mere shadows surviving through life not living. There doesn’t seem to be much difference than being dead. The though has begun to cross my mid more often. The thought of just being dead or to be a complete rebel and get the finer things in life by any means possible to merely exist for my children. However, there lies the consequences in if my children ever discovered their mother’s sordid employment choice. Or do I continue to watch each day come and go being a shadow. Suffering this intense pain and loneliness inside. I wonder if more medication would change my feelings? I want to smile and mean it. I’m on the verge of tears all the time. Even as I write this I’m crying, I somehow feel as if my body is devoid of the blood that is meant to be pumping through it. I feel like a corpse. Limp, lifeless, extinct of the oxygen that is required to circulate through my body to stimulate daily functioning. Conversely, I can see myself functioning as a happy productive mother, while I’m on the outside in this corpse. This bubbling mum I see during school pickups and drop offs, during ballet lessons and bustling around the house cleaning and engaging with her children. But her cracks are starting to show, people have started to ask : Are you okay? Her children are starting to resent her and make blatant preferences for their father despite the love and care she bestows upon them.
This deep dark hole is endless, and I’m falling deeper into it. Why does it feel like the knight I’ve always dreamed about will be the only one to rescue me and fill my veins with blood again? Shouldn’t I rely on oxygen to do that? Maybe, it’s because oxygen does not seem enough anymore.